The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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