If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
