My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
