the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
