fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
