Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
