My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
