similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
