Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
