Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
