we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
