Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
