Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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