So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
