I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Someone shattered a urinal.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
