one word: firstdatebathroomanal
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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