Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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