I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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