i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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