My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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