Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
