I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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