Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
