her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
