my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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