Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
