She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
