I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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