He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
