I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
