final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
