All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
