I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
