dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
