How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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