I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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