I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
