Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
