I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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