somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
We have started to decorate penises.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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