Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
