I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
