Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
