He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize