Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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