I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
