jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
