I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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