I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
