I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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