i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
