Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.