The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
