oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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