I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize